Getting to Know You

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:33:56 -0800

In my past I listened to music to learn lessons. It was my opinion that as long as my girlfriend didn’t complaining about anything the rhythm & blues divas cried about, my job was done. Apparently more power laid in the things that were not said. Now I ask questions and engage until I am told to back off because I would rather hear something bad than nothing at all. That sounds desperate... let’s rewind; I would rather have the woman in question tell me I am insensitive and harsh, as opposed to her talking to her other boyfriend about it. Some couples are perfectly blissful living in ignorance of their partners thoughts, but one of my golden rules is to never trust someone who yells, “TRUST ME!!” Similarly, I do not trust a woman who can not or will not talk to me.

Knowing the truth; good or bad, is not going to take away from a strong attraction. Infidelities are one of the exceptions to this when an open relationship has not been established. The truth is very important in the beginning of a relationship because it establishes the basis for trust. Assumptions are a quick tool to reveal the truth as well as triggers to bigger issues that are vitally important to a mate, but judgement is often attached to assumptions, which makes them potential harmful. There is always that relentless search at the end of a relationship to find everything wrong and throw it in the other person face, so getting a better perspective in the beginning will at least give a head start on that. We could always hold back our minds and disappoint each other after a few years... Is it better to know now?

New Endeavors

Sun, 6 Nov 2011 21:54:52 -0800

We met online by serendipitous happenstance; not different than the 1 in 5 relationships that start the same way these days. We talked over instant gratification dating technology as if we were old lovers playing catch up, albeit the occasional awkward pause. You did make me nervous at first, being the fearless woman who has a video conversation on the first day, so don't confirm my theory that you are only this cool so that you can hurt my feelings later. I would like to write with you so that I can learn because I am part of the norm regarding great, long-term relationships... By that I mean I have no clue. From what I see, they just happen. You are in the exceptional position of coming from a family with two lasting, loving marriages. That is a rarity these day. It seems like most people are making the sacred union to combine income rather than share an everlasting love. My family tends to find love in the second or third marriage.

As for me, I started off reading Playboy at age 12, for the articles. Now I read Cosmopolitan to gain insight on the female mind that can help me avoid tearing hearts out by telling the truth. There is something in me, and I think it is true for all guys, that allows us to turn off emotion; the wolves inside. This is where we derive our power from. That visceral feeling we achieve after scoring a touchdown, or winning a marathon, or getting laid. Maybe it's just testosterone, but we can flip the switch, say what we need to say, and turn it back on like nothing ever happened. It is the part of us that we hope a woman can help us shed or redirect, but it is the last thing we want to hear is wrong with us. Boys learn to become heartless creatures to survive, and this world proves it to them time and time again (insert Maddoff statistic).

Yes, I am a risk-taking, thrill-seeking, regionally proclaimed, "Bad Boy", and I want that which every bad boy wants... a woman who know our whole story and still accept us. The one who can handle our shit talking and reciprocate. A woman who can turn our malicious behaviors in to productive ideas, or join along with us in the bad. (insert Bonnie & Clyde quote) There are only so many ways the story with Adam, Eve, and the tree could have played out. Us guys will choose the path where we get the girl AND the apple every time. The verdict is still out on whether I'm an alcoholic or a crazy person, but I can tell you neither, as well as both. Perception is everything, remember? I have preferred to get drunk, rather than sleep with random women because, in my family, avoiding unwanted pregnancy was the gold standard. If I was bribed with a trip to anywhere in the world to find love and marry, I might have run a different race. Knowing the priorities in your partner’s life and being able to combine your situations is key.

Nobody had ever told me that the most important element in a relationship is sex, and at 20 years old, I received this advice from my mentor; "If you have real love, the sex will be worth waiting for". I didn't make it till marriage with my virginity intact, but I wouldn't mind still having it. That idea of real love manifested itself in my behavior throughout my subsequent relationships, and I've come to understand that real love is putting in HARD work with a partner you enjoy doing more than just sex with. Communication is huge, but without that constant grind back and forth, working out situations with compromise and sacrifice, the relationship leans in one parties direction until it reaches the tipping point.

I got a lot more of this insightful, scattered-brained, life-lesson stuff ready. And I must warn you, I have developed some skills that make me very bad at relationships, but I have read books that run the spectrum of meeting, dating, marriage, love, etc to try and fix them. If openness and honesty are what you want to start with, I can tell you all about my misadventures. You still have to tell me if smiley faces will be in or out because I see none on your blog, but I did see some LOLs in there.

The Yin of Ray

Getting to Know You

New Endeavors